That's an order son!
by misssophie23
Summary: Jay and Erin sleeping at her place. But while Erin sleeps like a baby, Jay has his worst nightmare for a really long time. He dreamed about what happened in Afghanistan - was it only a dream or did these things happen for real? Erin is trying to comfort him, but gets shocked as Jay told her, that he didn't deserve to live anyway. [war drama x LINSTEAD x one shot]


**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

Here comes my answer of an anons request. It's about Jay's military time – one of the favorite things people asking me to write about :P I hope you will like it and I hope that I can finish a new chapter of my fanfiction "Like a partner? Or like a friend?" in the next days. I hope you had happy Easter :) Thank you Zoe for your help :-* Enjoy the reading =)

**That's an order son!**

They were running with the heavily accouterment on their shoulders. Sweat ran down their faces. It was hot and stifling. They moved fast, holding their guns, ready to shoot anytime if they had to. With their movements they raised the dust as they were running down the street and crossing the marketplace. Just as they reached the middle of it, shots rang out. The troop hid behind a burned-out car right next to them before they returned fire towards where the bullets had come from - out of a small house in front of them.

"Halstead! You, Simmons and Mason stay put. Travis, Auldrin and I are moving towards the building. Give us back up!" Sergeant Hale told his men. After they all nodded they started to move towards the building where the shots came from. Jay pointed his gun and shot as a hellish, loud noise penetrated the air. The ground was vibrating. He could hear screams for a second and the air was filled with dirt and smoke before there a deathly silence decended upon the marketplace.

They couldn't see or hear anything for a few seconds, but they breathed in a disgusting smell, an odor which made them want to throw up. His heart beat harshly and the next thing Halstead saw after the smoke disappeared was how the house was gone. Limbs lying everywhere. And blood. Burnt bodies – dead bodies from their troop. Jay looked to Simmons and Mason who were as shocked as he was. A bomb had to have detonated exploded and killed them all - except them.

Then there was a weak groan. With a few hand gestures Halstead told Simmons and Mason to watch his back, while he ducked carefully out of his hideout. As he walked through the limbs he had to fight against the horrible stench and the urge to gag. Fast but mindful he crossed the ground as he saw the sergeant who was barely alive. He leant against a broken wall, hardly breathing and fighting against death. Jay's eyes went wide in shock over his supervisor – Hale had lost both legs. There was blood everywhere. Halstead swallowed before he knelt down, grabbing his radio to pass along their position for the rescue teams. But the sergeant grabbed his forearm and inarticulate words came out of his mouth, along with some blood.

Hale shook his head as Jay looked into his gray-green eyes and tried not to miss one single word when his boss began to speak. "Let it go soldier. Go back to the base, leave me here. I am going to die anyway."

But Jay shook his head. "No sergeant. Nobody will be left behind!" Jay said, even when he knew that Hale was right about him dying. But he wouldn't leave him behind, no matter what! So he was about to raise his hand to wave at one of his buddies to help him lift the man up, but Sergeant Hale pulled his arm down with all the strength he could bring up.

"Halstead! Look at me, son! It's an order! Bring Simmons and Mason back to the base – safe. I know you can do that! You are a good soldier, kid. One of my best. So leave me here - alone." His voice was getting harder to understand with every second of him speaking. Halstead looked into his face. The blood slowly trickled past the corner of the Sergeant's mouth and he could see how the light slowly vanished out of Hale's eyes.

Again the young man shook his head. "No, no you will make it, Sergeant. We can bring you to the base and -"

"Son! Leave me here. Tell my daughter that I am sorry and that I love her."

Jay opened his mouth, but was cut off by Hale's last words. "It's an order son!"

Then his eyelids fluttered closed one last time and this time it was forever. Jay breathed heavily. He looked down at the man's body. He was dead. Gone forever. Jay felt the tears rush to his eyes. He wiped them away and beckoned at Simmons who came over to them. They both lifted the dead man up and started their way back to Mason, while bullets flew through the air. They were fighting again. Again there was yelling, dirt, blood and everything began to spin.

"Jay? Jay!" Erin shook his body as hard as she could. For five minutes Jay's body had been shaking uncontrollably. He screamed now and then and he was completely covered in a thin sheen of sweat. "Jay, wake up! Halstead!" she yelled. In the next second she found herself pinned down on the mattress. Jays forearm pressed against her throat while his right hand grabbed after the non-existent knife at his legs. There was just a split of a second before Jay realized what he was doing. His eyes widened in shock and he let her go immediately. "I'm sorry," he swallowed and struggled out of the tangled sheets.

"No Jay, no it's okay. I'm fine. Nothing happened," Erin told him and went to grab his hand, but Jay stepped out of her reach. He shook his head. "No, no it's not okay. I … I have hurt you."

This time the woman shook her head as she got up. "No, I am fine. Really Jay. It was a nightmare. Those things happen sometimes when you are having nightmares." She knew that those things only happened when you went through something like Jay may have had. Something like war, for example. His whole body was still shaking, his breathing was harsh and she could see by the look in his eyes that it wasn't just a nightmare. That it wasn't just a dream that he was afraid of.

Jay stood in the middle of the room, glancing towards his girlfriend who stood right next to the bed. She was worried about him - he knew she was. Guilt rushed through his body once more, just like every single night since he had come back – but tonight had been the worst nightmare in a long time. He tried to calm down. "I'm sorry," he repeated and Erin wanted to reassure him that she was fine, that it wasn't his fault, but before she could Jay went on: "It's my fault. I should have listened. I'm so sorry. I thought I would do the right thing … I mean … I couldn't leave him there, Erin. He didn't deserve to stay there. He told me to leave him, to bring them back to the base … and I didn't listen."

His voice was heavy with guilt and pain. The pictures were running through his head again. How Simmons and he hid behind the wall. How they were shooting and how Mason got shot into the neck. Jay could still remember how his head had fallen back and then forwards. How the blood had squirted and how the body had fallen onto the ground like a sodden flour bag.

Erin swallowed. She looked at him and moved slowly towards him to touch his hand and pull him back to the bed. Jay was in a trance-like state, he didn't do anything as Erin led him back to bed. She didn't know what she could tell him to make him feel better. She knew that there wasn't anything she could say.

"It's my fault that they are dead. All of them … Hale had told me to bring them back … safe and alive. He had said that I am one of his best but he was wrong. A good soldier would have listened. A good one would have brought them home alive. But I didn't. I know that it's my fault. How could I have made it out alive while the others had to die? I left them there … I had to tell his daughter that her dad loved her. I had to tell all of them that I am sorry. That …" Jay's voice slowly fell apart, he couldn't go on talking. He rubbed his face with both his hands and felt the tears.

"You … Jay, it wasn't your fault. You wanted to do what's right. You did and it didn't work out. But it wasn't your fault. You didn't plan to let them die," her voice was a soft whisper. Erin laid her arm around Jay's shoulders and felt his pain in her stomach as her partner shook his head again.

"No, I didn't. But I didn't deserve to live either Erin. I should have died there … together with my unit. Together with my brothers I'd served with."

"No Jay! No!" This time her voice was powerful because his words were hurting her. She didn't want to understand that he thought that he didn't deserve to live. She cupped his cheek and forced him to looking at her. "No Jay. You shouldn't have died there! Because if you had died there, I wouldn't have met you. I wouldn't have gotten one hell of a partner who always has my back. If you had died there, I wouldn't have had anyone to tease about not driving." She looked into his blue eyes and with every word her voice got softer and more tearful. "If you'd have died, I wouldn't have had the best time in my life. I wouldn't be in love and… You are the best man I know, Jay. You're caring and sweet. I don't know what you have gone through, but you aren't alone. We will face it together. As friends, as partners, as a couple,.Okay? I am not going anywhere, because… because I love you. You are the first that makes me feel like this. You are the first one I am one hundred percent sure that I am in love with. So… you didn't deserved to die there. You belong here… you belong with me, Halstead." As she called him by his last time she smiled, while her eyes were brimmed with unshed tears.

Jay breathed out soundlessly. He lookin into her eyes, and as her w running revohis mindthrough his head. I elong here …you belong to wit me.

One corner of his mouth lifted slowly. It was a weak, lopsided smile, but at least it was a smile. "Together," he mumbled and Erin nodded. "Always," she smiled and pressed a small kiss against Jay's lips. Even when the pictures were still haunting him, he could feel that he had just taken the first step to fight against these nightmares, against his guilt, his past. Together with Erin he would make it. She gave him the strength to let down his guard and to deal with his demons.

And Erin? A feeling of relief rushed through her body, when she felt Jay curl his hand around the back of her neck and kept kissing her. She was content that she could help him, even when she didn't tell him every single one of her reasons why he shouldn't have died there. But they could have a talk about these reasons another day.


End file.
